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    Miscellaneous wedding toasts and speeches--

    Thanks everyone, they say marriage is an institution and therefore, it
    Seems proper that I am about to be married since some of you have been saying I should have been institutionalized for years.

    Some of you may be concerned as to whether I am actually prepared marriage, but I want to assure you that I am fully aware of the changes that marriage will bring and to this end I have prepared a small list.

    1. I understand that my rights to have a say in matters pertaining to decorating are revoked. Although I am still entitled to an opinion on such matters, my wife has no obligation to reward my ideas with anything other than a pat on the head and a giggle.

    2. I am aware that shopping, as a married man will differ somewhat from what I am used to. So picking up a bag of potato chips and a keg of beer before proudly announcing “I’m done” may result in some privileges being withdrawn.

    3. Flowers are no longer a currency for buying forgiveness.

    4. The frequency of sex will now be directly related to my behavior, thoughtfulness and consideration and will be awarded on a performance basis.

    5. Cooking by a male in the kitchen is out of bounds except under strict supervision. However, I must be careful in my wording that “The kitchen belongs to my wife”. N.B. See no.4 for ramifications if the phrase “My wife belongs in the kitchen” is inadvertently used.

    6. “I love you” is no longer just an expression of endearment, but also a handy answer to no-win questions such as “Do I look okay”, “Do you think I am getting fat” and “Do you mind if my mother comes to stay for a few days”.

    7. It is okay for her to shout “Yeah” at hunks on the television, because it is just meant in “a humorous way”. “I must however refrain from making any such comment when a beautiful girl appears on screen. I understand that although she may not be watching for a reaction, she will be on alert. If in doubt see no.6. Important Note: The words “Rack”, ”Hooters” and “Headlamps” are no longer a useful part of my vocabulary and must be dispensed of immediately”,

    So as you can see guys, I am prepared for what is to come. Thank you for the present and I’d like to also thank you for not getting me a stripper. Getting a stripper at this point would be like buying a big cream cake for a fat kid to celebrate him going on a diet.

    I look forward to seeing most of you at the wedding and if you see me before the ceremony looking at you with fear in my eyes, its just that my mind has gone blank with nerves. Please just remind me of her name and everything will be fine.

    Types of Additions to the speech
    *****************
    Thank you all for the presents, cards and best wishes. It really does mean a lot to me that I have your support as I begin my journey as a married man.

    It is traditional to get some funny gifts and I was apprehensive as to what I would get as I came to work this morning. I tried to think of practical applications for such things as an eight-foot pair of plastic breasts, an elephant’s trunk thong and an inflatable sheep.

    It seems ironic that many of the humorous gifts associated with getting married would be hours of fun for a bachelor. Still….(check watch, look at one of the presents if appropriate and then back at your watch)….there is time.

    Ahem, I put on my best underwear this morning, just in case you had me tied up and whipped by a stripper, but it looks like so far (SUITABLE PERSON) has managed to keep their clothes on. So, I’m not the only one achieving a first today Eh?


    If you did want any extra lines, or specific items mentioning or even a complete rewrite, please let me know in an answer clarification before rating as I would like you to be completely satisfied with the speech.

    This speech has been timed at around 3:15 seconds before additions

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